Feeling adrift

I'm usually down in the winter but I have more issues to deal with this winter.  Yesterday was my Ex's birthday and I felt badly because I knew he was alone.  It was his own doing, but I still felt badly.  Isn't that a typical woman?  It has now been nearly three months since I told him I was leaving.  I'm starting to dream about him, but not as he is.  I'm dreaming about him as I wish he was.

I'm feeling guilty and tired and lonely and hopeless.  As long as I get my child support and alimony I'm doing okay...but I can't count on it.  I feel that I can't get ahead.  I did some research on other jobs that I could get in this area with minimal schooling.  I can't really find a job making much more money.

I'm overwhelmingly tired...sleepy too.  I could nap now.  I'm also feeling the depression monkey climbing on my back.  I'm not sure how to deal with that.  I've been eating poorly lately.  I wonder if cutting sugar out of my diet would help?

How do I trust myself?

The longer I'm away from my ex-husband the more I realize how mentally ill he was.  I never noticed when I was around him every day how strange he was getting.  People around me noticed.  They softly tried to warn me, but I didn't see it.

I'm too new at being single to even think seriously about dating.  I'm now scared of it.  How can I trust my own judgement when I lived with a mentally ill man and never even realized it?

I left my husband in November and since then I've had a fight to stay out of the pit.  It is there, hovering at the edge of my mind like a ghost you can almost see if you move your head fast enough.  I don't want to be depressed again.  I'm taking Savella for my fibromyalgia, but my doctor said it was a pretty low dose so if I need more help to let him know.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that diet, exercise, SAM-e and keeping busy will help and keep me from having to take more antidepressants.

I moved into my new house in November and I've focused on keeping it clean and presentable.  Sometimes it feels like a lost cause with two teens and my young adult son all intent on destroying it.  But I won't allow them to do it.  I want a house that people can visit without me feeling too embarrassed.

I'm working full time and considering taking night classes.  Right now my company is about to split and there is a very real possibility that I may not have a job in a year.  I'm thinking of taking a class to help me pass my pharmacy tech exam.  After all, as I know, prescriptions will always be with us.  I think we'll continue to need more, not cut backs in this area.  So as I told my son, I'm done with software, I think I'll get into drugs!

Tai Chi

One of the things that helps my depression is exercise.  We all know this.  However, when you are in the deep pit of despair full of triple chocolate fudge ripple and laying flat on your bed staring at your ceiling...your most likely thought is "Am I going to be able to move any time soon?  Or at all?"

No, in this state of mind exercise isn't going to happen.  Nope, I think, I'm too fat, too uncoordinated, too ugly to ever step into a gym where they will likely all stand, stare and point, amiright?  I'm over 200 pounds and all of this flab takes enough energy to move up the stairs to bed.  Those gyms are full of skinny people pumping iron and cycling and stair stepping and Zoomba-ing.  I'd stand out like a sore thumb!

Well last year I decided to give Tai Chi a try.  Someone was starting a class in our gym at work so it was free.  It started at 4:45 and my work day ends at 4:30.  Oh damn, all out of excuses.  I LOVED it.  The moves are easy enough, but still demanding.  The focus required by my brain to balance, shift my weight, move my legs and feet and arms and hands, while watching my posture ... I can't think of anything else!!  I've heard it called the moving meditation and it really is.  All of my problems stay at the door while I'm in that gym.  I pick them up again on my way out, of course.  But for 45 minutes my mind it clear and focused, my body is moving and those endorphins start to pump.  I feel so accomplished when I leave...even as I drag my body home and collapse on my bed to stare at my ceiling.

So for the last 4 months I wasn't going.  Why did I allow this to happen?  Part of it was the move and separation from my Ex, part of it was allowing my depression to take over and convince me I was too far behind and I'd never catch up.  Who knows, but today I went.  I'm so glad I did.  If I don't take care of me, then no one will.  I need to focus on what keeps me healthy so that I can then help my kids.

My Mother is a Wise Woman

I'm trying to fight my depression right now.  January is a hard month because I'm usually dealing with the money issues post Christmas and the days are too short and the sky is too cloudy/rainy -- why did I move to Oregon? This year I've added to my issues by leaving my husband in November.  I left for a lot of very good reasons but it is still hard to deal with all of the new issues, paying rent, dealing with the tightest budget I've had to deal with since I was in my twenties, single parenting and oh-my-gosh-what-if-the-car-breaks-down?

I needed to go up to my old house to get some more stuff to move to my new place.  I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to face Ex and I didn't want to see the old place.  Every time I go up there I feel helpless and hopeless.  My arms feel too heavy to lift.  How was I going to deal with stuff and move furniture feeling like that?  

My best friend and all around amazing person offered to go up with me.  She brought her two teenaged sons to help complain move furniture.  She kept me moving and kept my mind focused.  This enabled me to get the task done without running away to my car and avoiding it entirely.

Later I was talking to my mom about how I feel about that place and she said:   I think when you moved to Oregon and bought your place it was an opportunity to start over in a home of your own.  However since you started over with [Ex] and his determination to continue doing everything his way and forcing you to live as he wanted to live with all of his junk around him, your dream turned into a nightmare life.  It was as though you were sinking in quicksand and depression so overwhelming that you couldn't even force yourself to keep the place clean nor train the kids to do that.  It affected every aspect of your life and especially your health.  Once you broke out of the quicksand, you were free but only feel that way when you are away from that disaster of a dream life.  Now that you're away from it, and can truly see the depression that you felt, your instincts are all shouting, "Stay away."

She is so right.  I have my freedom, but when I return to that house I feel like I'm drowning in the quicksand all over again.  I'm nearly done with that place and will soon be seeing it in my rear-view mirror for the last time.  Thank God, I need to move on!

Robin Williams

I haven't written in this blog for a long time.  I've been busy between working full time, raising three teens (one who recently turned 21 and is no longer a teen) and living life there isn't much time to write a blog too.  Depression is part of my daily life, sometimes the pit is deeper than other times, but it has been manageable.

2014 is about to end and I'm so glad.  It was a year of endings for me.  Among other things my marriage ended and my grandmother died.  We lost a lot of wonderful celebrities too Shirley Temple, Mickey Rooney, Casey Kasem, Ann B. Davis, Lauren Bacall, Joan Rivers.  But the big one was Robin Williams.  I've seen so many posts about Robin Williams.  So many people who claim to have all the answers...he should've reached out!  He should've known how many people loved him!  Committing suicide is the most selfish act!  People who say they've experienced depression but managed not to kill themselves, or that have considered suicide but didn't do it, are very self righteous right now.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say...maybe you don't really know what it was like.  You aren't Robin Williams.  In 1992-1993 I had the worst depression of my life.  I couldn't get out of bed most days.  Making it out in the late afternoon and getting to a doctor's appointment was a major accomplishment.  I had no life, no interests, no hobbies, nothing.  I wanted to be dead.  I thought that if I was dead then the pain would finally be over.

Some of my family and close friends noticed what was going on, and a few even asked me if I was thinking of harming myself.  Incredibly brave people they were!  I still thank God for them all the time.  I couldn't articulate my desire to be dead but that I didn't have any plans to do anything about it.  I remember distinctly driving on a windy road with trees along the side...wondering what speed I'd have to be going before I hit a tree to guarantee I'd die and not just be paralyzed.  I worried that my family would know it wasn't an accident and the fear of failure was probably all that kept me from trying.

I told them no, I wasn't thinking of harming myself.  It was a lie.  I didn't want to get into that discussion because I knew they'd never understand the difference between wanting to be dead and actually planning on doing it.  I was a chicken and afraid of all of the emotions that conversation would rile up.  Not in me, I didn't feel anything, but in my loved ones.  I was also afraid they might commit me against my will.  I wanted and needed help.  I didn't need to be locked up and medicated and electroshocked...okay, all I know about mental hospitals was from movies and books.

I managed to get out of the deep deep pit I was in.  Inch by slow inch.  It helped that I gave birth to an amazing baby boy (yes the 21 year old I talked about earlier) and he gave me a reason to keep trying.  I don't know what I would've done if I'd not been able to pull myself out.  At the time I didn't have medical insurance and I didn't have the wherewithal to even try to find those sliding scale places that are supposed to exist everywhere.  I did try and after three phone calls I hung up the phone and just sobbed.  It was too hard.

Suicide isn't a selfish act, not really.  It is an attempt to end the pain.

To the Motorcyclist in Portland Oregon yesterday

I know I frustrated you yesterday when I kept changing my mind as I approached the metering light to the on-ramp.  The traffic ahead of me was doing the same and I didn't want to be the fourth car in one lane if only one car was ahead of me in the other.  Maybe you couldn't see what the cars ahead of me were doing and you were only paying attention to my car.  We had our windows open because my air conditioner is broken.  That gave you the perfect opportunity to yell into my car "Dude pick a lane and stick with it."

I didn't respond because 1. I'm not a dude and that should be obvious to anyone looking at me and 2. I had all three of my kids in the car and I need to set a good example for them and yelling at random motorcyclists on freeway on-ramps isn't a good example.  We're supposed to turn the other cheek, so I did.  I hope that you felt better and calmer after yelling at a middle aged woman in a junker car full of teenagers.

We were in rush hour traffic and I'm sure you were just on your way home.  I don't live in Portland, I was lost and hoping that the map app on my phone wasn't leading me astray.  You see, we had to drive to Portland in my 17 year old car with the broken air conditioning to see a liver specialist at Oregon Health and Science University for my son.  We can't afford a better car or to fix this car right now because despite having good insurance we still have too many medical bills.

I may be having more difficulty lately making decisions because I've had to make so many.  I have to make decisions that can affect my son for the rest of his life.  Should he take this medication that may save his life right now but cause a tumor later that may take it?  Should I put him through another liver biopsy when the last one gave me nightmares for weeks?  Should I pay this medical bill this week or buy food for my growing teens?  What will I do if my company lays me off this month or next?  You see, those decisions are more important to me than which lane I should occupy, even if my indecision is driving you nuts.

I know you will probably never see this entry in my blog but I still want to say I'm sorry that I made your commute more difficult yesterday.  I hope you can accept my apology and be a little more human in your next interaction with a random stranger because you never know what battles they are fighting.

Time flies

It has been a long time since I wrote here. Part of that is that last November I was one of the lucky few to get a full time job with benefits. Very very lucky in this economy. The other part was that at the same time I was starting a new job I developed pain. It started in my hands and spread. I spent a lot of time in this last year seeing doctors, specialists, having tests and hearing the same results over and over again, "Everything looks fine."

How can everything look fine when I hurt so much? By the end of June I hurt everywhere. By July I couldn't even walk normally. Finally my doctor says "There is nothing left to test for, It looks like you have Fibromyalgia."

I hate that Fibromyalgia doesn't have a specific test for it. It is a diagnosis of elimination...everything tests out fine, but the patient still hurts? Must be Fibromyalgia. There is a pressure point test, but unfortunately unscrupulous people can fake that, doctor pushed there, you say "Ow." Researchers are working on a way to test and they have some leads. I pray they find it soon so I can then say "Yes, I've tested positive for Fibromyalgia."

Why would I want that, you might ask? There are the people who don't "believe in fibromyalgia." Believe? It isn't a religion. I'm not asking you to put money in my collection plate. I'm not asking you to believe in anything. I'm telling you, I'm in pain. You can't see my pain, but you can see how hard it is for me to get out of a chair. You can't see my pain, but you can see how I walk. You can't see my pain, but you can still believe me when I tell you that it is there.

I'm not faking. I'm not trying to get disability. I want to keep my job. I want to keep my house clean. I want to go shopping with my teenage daughter. I want to be able to sleep the entire night through and wake up rested. I want a clear course of action on my doctor's and my part. What do I do to feel better? What can he prescribe to me to make me feel better?

Right now I'm taking a pharmacy of pills, working on improving my diet and adding exercises and stretching to my day. The doctor has given me Elavil for sleep, Savella for fibromyalgia, Vicoden for pain and a muscle relaxant. I'm also taking Malic Acid because studies have show that helps. I'm seeing a physical therapist to help with my range of motion and my muscle weakness. I'm going to the gym at work nearly every weekday. I'm cutting out junk food, soda, and food with additives as much as possible.

I feel a little better, not normal yet, but I'm still working at it.

Getting Behinder

A month since my last post...wow, sorry guys.

I did a lot in August, the last month before the kids went off to school. Funny how even when I plan my summer vacation for June, August always ends up being an incredibly busy month. Does anyone else find that? Part of it is the garden: harvesting, cooking, canning, freezing, etc. and part of it is that everyone I know seems to suddenly realize that summer is nearly over and they all decide to visit in August.

Ah well, enjoyed the visits, not quite keeping up with the gardening but with the help of my mother-in-law's extra freezer I have a ton of peaches frozen for canning later. I'm almost grateful for the lack of pears on the tree this year. Weird how that works, last year we were canning pears left and right...this year, we got three.

I finally sat down and wrote up a budget. Realizing the reason we got into so much financial trouble in the first place...we don't make enough money. My husband hasn't gotten a raise in over six years and with prices going up, his money is worth less than it was over six years ago. I am making about the same as I was making six years ago also, maybe a little less. So, I have no choice but to figure out how to make more money. Do I quit the two part time jobs I have right now and look for full time employment, or do I look for another part time job? I have a lead on another part time job that might do the trick, so hopefully something will come of it.

An article in the paper the other day said that money does buy happiness, at least until you reach about $75,000 a year. Yup, we're nowhere near that. I'd love to try that level and see if I'm happier, anyone want to help with that? Of course twenty years ago when my husband and I were newly weds I thought that the level we are at now would be just about right, but of course we didn't have kids then.

Writing up the budget was probably the best thing I did. Now I know how much I have and how much is going out between now and the next time we are paid. No more credit cards, we are cash only now. That is a bit scary, especially right now while we are trying to build up some savings against possible car repairs or other emergencies.

I've also signed up for a class on Novel Writing. I've had some ideas running around in my head and I've sporadically put some of it down on paper (actually on computer, but you know what I mean) but I've never done any more than that. I've never finished one of them nor have I even thought about what to do after it is finished. I decided that I'm giving myself until the new year to figure out if this is something I want to pursue or not. Thus...the class. This was a big jump for me because it is a night class, meaning I'm leaving my kids home alone at night until after 10 p.m. The kids are 16, 13, and 10, so they aren't babies and the night isn't a school night so they don't need me there to force them to turn off their electronics and go to sleep. But I still worried, especially about the ten year old as she is a worrier. She ended up being the one to say "Go for it, we'll be fine." Out of the mouths of babes.

Fall is in the air and I'm already feeling the difference. I'm still taking the higher dosage of Welbutrin (generic) and I plan on taking it all through winter. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to avoid another deep depression like I suffered last winter. So now that I've caught you all up, hopefully I'll be better at keeping this blog up. After all, without regular posts how can I develop a following?

Abandoned or Abandoning?

I was thinking today while taking my shower (I always do my best thinking there) about my deepest depressions. Each time I felt alone and like I had no one to talk to. My first major depression was the year I had two miscarriages, my father was hospitalized and nearly died, my grandfather died and I was in a car accident with a drunk driver.

Any one of those things would cause stress, all of them taken together were too much, especially the miscarriages. My husband and I had been married six years and I'd put off having children until I finished my college degree. Once I was ready...I was READY. Then I had the miscarriages. My friends and family were all supportive but expected me to get over it quickly and move on. I didn't. As anyone who has experienced the miscarriage of a much wanted baby can tell you, you don't move on quickly. You need to grieve.

Grieve I did. I got depressed, really depressed. My parents worried that I was suicidal. My husband didn't understand the fuss. My friends wondered when I'd get over it. So I started to fake it. I pretended that everything was fine and tried to move on with my life. I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings because I didn't want to cause anyone any more worry.

The next depression wasn't quite as bad, but still effected me. I had finally had that first baby and I was so happy with him that I decided to have another. Once again...fertility problems. This one took two years before I was able to conceive my second child. Most people felt that I should be happy, after all I had one child, couldn't he be enough? I mostly faked it through this depression in part because I was parenting a toddler and couldn't stay in bed all day. Once again, I had no one to talk to. One of my friends was pregnant. Another was trying to conceive and having miscarriages. I was a lot of support for her, but she was in the "at least you have one child" camp. Once again I felt that I had no one to talk to.

The next depression hit after I had my third child (a surprise, no fertility problems there!) and I realized that my house was too tiny and my husband didn't care that we were stuck in a tiny house. Most of my friends and family were supportive, they all thought I was in a too tiny house too. I didn't really recognize this depression for what it was for a long time. Once I did I went to my GP and got my first prescription for antidepressants. Things improved, but once again I felt that I had no one to talk to. This was probably the first time I didn't talk to any friends deliberately. I wanted everyone to think that everything was perfect. I felt that I didn't really have any reason to complain. After all, I now had my three children, I was working at a part time job that I loved, and I had a roof over my head.

My most recent depression coincided with a major depression my best friend had. I didn't want to talk to her and bring her down farther. Once again I kept it to myself and didn't let anyone know how bad it had gotten. I mentioned it to one friend who is very holistic and didn't think I should go on medication again. Since that was the only real option available to me, I decided not to talk to her about it any more. Once again it seemed that all the people I'd normally talk to were unavailable to me.

So after remembering all of those I started to think about it. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Did I get depressed because my friends were busy and I had no one to talk to? Did my being depressed drive people away so I felt alone? Was I not telling people because it is so difficult to reach out and talk to people while I'm depressed?

Note: during all of these I didn't have therapy available because my insurances (I had different ones each time) either wouldn't cover therapy, or it was subject to a deductible - the lowest was $1,500 and was thus out of reach for me. Therapy might have helped me because then I would have had someone to talk to about everything and might not have felt so abandoned.

Hormones and Depression

I had a mixed week this week. 'That time of the month' and I find myself sinking down again. Things always bug me more when my hormones are in an uproar. I had some more negative comments about my parenting and it is really starting to get to me. Especially from one friend who is having far more difficulties with her own children, I wonder how she has the gall to say things about MY parenting. My mother also has said some negative things. She used to always have positive things to say about my parenting. She was the one source I had for reassurance that I was doing a good job...now I'm not getting that anywhere.

For the most part I'm doing better. Summer always finds me with more energy and a more positive outlook. I worry that I'm not doing a lot better right now because if I don't pull myself up more then this winter is going to be a hard one.

Success

It might seem that I'm obsessed with my medication, as this is another post about it. It isn't an obsession, exactly, it is mainly fueled by frustration. When I was suffering from depression about ten years ago I was first prescribed Prozac. I quickly discovered that the side effects were more than I was willing to endure. My doctor switched me to Welbutrin and it worked really well for me. At the time my insurance covered name brand prescriptions with a $40 co-pay after I met the $150 deductible. Generics were cheaper. Fast forward a few years and to a different insurance plan.

I signed up for my current insurance about five years ago. At the time they covered mental health but they only covered generic prescriptions. I have a huge deductible for name brand medications, so I just don't take them. After a year on my new insurance they decided to drop the mental health coverage, including prescriptions. Since then I've been surviving by using SAM-e and willpower until this latest depression. I did a lot of research and couldn't find any prescription drug program that included the generic for Welbutrin, until Walgreens started theirs. At first I thought I was limited to the dosage listed on their plan, but recently I discovered that they'd cover higher dosages at a slightly higher cost. So I'm now taking four 75 mg tablets a day for $24.00 for a 90 day supply! This is wonderful! The price for the 300 mg extended release is over $100 so I'm getting quite a deal.

The irony here that I've experienced many times is that in order to get help for mental health issues you have to be mentally healthy enough to pursue all of your options. No one seems to get that when you are depressed just getting out of bed is a challenge, talking to anyone about your issues is a major challenge and trying to do anything out of the ordinary is an insurmountable challenge. All of those people who feel that their insurance is just fine and any government plan would be a burden should thank their lucky stars that they have good insurance or have never been sick.

motherhood, friends and competition

I woke up angry this morning two hours before my alarm was due to go off. I knew it was going to be impossible to go back to sleep, but I wish I could get rid of the anger. I know why I'm angry it was what I was thinking about when I woke up. Right now my ten year old daughter is with family 600 miles away. The second night she took her cell phone into the bathroom at my brother's house and called me crying because she was homesick and missed me. I talked to her, reminding her how much she wanted to spend time with her cousins and eventually my sister-in-law heard her crying and comforted her too.

The part that bothered me was that when I mentioned this to my friend her response was "It'll be good for her. She'll be fine." That was all. It really bugged me because I was hoping for a bit more support than that. Even an "ow, that must've been hard" would have been enough. All I wanted was some commiseration, not a comment on my parenting. I'd dare any parent to listen to their ten year old child crying from homesickness on the phone and not hurt for them.

A bit of background on this is that this particular daughter of mine has always been a mama's girl. As a baby she didn't want anyone else to watch her unless she knew them really well. Sometimes even when she had cousins to play with she'd prefer to be near me. She was a clingy baby and I knew it, I had no idea what to do about it and honestly it didn't bother me too much. My younger brother was much the same as a child and he has grown up into a normal adult. So I wasn't really worried that my daughter would be clingy all her life.

Two friends of mine were always bothered by her clinging. They always made negative comments about it and made me feel like a bad parent because I didn't do something about it. Though I admit I have no idea what I should do about it. Today one of them has a 17 year old daughter who never wants to spend the night anywhere but at home, the other has a 9 year old son who wants to sleep in the same bed as his mom. Yet they both STILL make negative comments about my clingy daughter who is at this moment 600 miles away from home.

What is the reason behind the drive for friends to make negative comments about other people's children? I can understand that if I'd complained about how clingy my daughter is that I would be inviting advice. It didn't bother me though, it bothered my friends and they felt the need to make comments on it, and have been for nine years. They can't seem to see that even as my daughter has gradually grown more able to separate from me they both have children who are getting more clingy not less.

I made some comments online last night about this issue that seemed to annoy one of my friends and we're supposed to have lunch together today. I think that I need to have a conversation with her that I've avoided for too long. Maybe then I can sleep longer tomorrow and wake up in a better mood.

Medication

I was on vacation last week and I decided that I wanted to make sure that I enjoyed the week so I took the increased dosage of my anti-depressants even though that would mean that I wouldn't have enough of the medication to finish out the course. Today I called the Walgreen's prescription line to find out if I could actually get a prescription with three pills a day rather than just two and still get the discount. I can, it is $9.99 a month, rather than over $100.00, something that I can actually afford. So I have an appointment this week to speak to the dr. and ask for the higher prescription.

I'm so disappointed that the new healthcare legislation that Obama whimped out on will likely help me very little. After the kids are back in school this fall I'm going to make it my goal to find a job with health benefits.

getting lower

When I'm healthy and call a friend who sounds distracted I think to myself that they must have something on TV that keeps catching their attention, or that they have something on their mind. When I'm depressed I think that they are trying to get me off of the phone because they don't want to waste their time talking to me.

When I'm healthy and someone cancels a date with me I believe the reason they give me and look forward to the time when we'll be able to get together in the future. When I'm depressed I'm sure they are lying to cover up the fact they don't really want to spend time with me.

When I'm healthy I can be happy for someone who is taking a vacation, buying a new car, getting a raise or promotion or achieves something that they have worked hard for. When I'm depressed all of those make me envious and miserable.

When I'm healthy I enjoy talking to my friends and loved ones. When I'm depressed I spend too much time analyzing those conversations to figure out what those people must really think of me.

I'm not sure if it is because of the rain but I'm getting lower lately. I keep going back to negative thoughts "no one likes me" and "I'm not worth anything." I keep thinking about everything that I've ever done wrong and anytime anyone has done anything that makes me think they don't like me. Often these times are when people are busy or distracted and usually I can remember that, but when I'm feeling down like this then those times seem personal.

I'm not sure why when I'm depressed that I'm so ready to believe that everyone hates me and no one wants me around. It is hard to feel like this and to make any effort to interact with anyone because I'm sure that by forcing them to call me I'm being a burden.

Next week I'm supposed to visit 'home' and I'm worrying that people resent having me around, don't really want to spend time with me, or simply will find a way to avoid me. I think I need to up my medications so I can get through this next week.

Is it just me?

I'm leaving soon to go 'home' and visit my family again. As usual I find myself dreading the leaving, but looking forward to seeing my loved ones. I hate leaving my comfortable bed and home. Oddly, after planning and looking forward to the trip, as it gets closer the more I look for a way out of it. This happens all the time as I think "maybe this isn't a good idea?" I'm not sure why.

I know part of it is the change in routine, the fatigue of the long drive, trying to fit everyone in and not leave anyone out. It is exhausting and it always seems that once I'm back I'll be squishing my busier workweek into a shorter period of time so I have no time to recover. All of that is a recipe for triggering some of my depressive symptoms.

Anti-depressants

When I first got my prescription for anti-depressants I tried taking just one a day. I didn't notice a huge change, a tiny change maybe. I then upped it to the doctor's prescription of two a day (which was really half what he wanted to prescribe, but all that the pharmacy prescription drug program would cover) and I felt a bit better...but not normal yet. I then figured out that I had enough pills to take three until it was time to refill the prescription and after that dosage kicked in...wow, it was night and day. I suddenly had enough energy to get up in the morning, take care of the house and my job, make dinner at night and not be exhausted. I remember scrubbing my stove and thinking "I wonder if this is how normal people feel?"

When I refilled my prescription I went back to the two a day level and I haven't felt quite the same. I'm researching my options to try to get enough without paying more than I can afford. I may even look into combining two prescriptions. Anything to feel normal. I feel like I'm cheating my kids by not being my best.

Genetics

My middle child is the most like me and often it is the things that I hate most about myself that I see in her. She has a keen sense of humor, is loyal to her friends, and very loving. She also has very mercurial mood swings. I've long noticed that she is not her best in the winter time, usually starting out the school year okay, then going downhill from there. She recovers some in the spring, but her grades can never recover from the steep downward slope in the winter. For many years I've said that she'd do fine in school if school went from March to November.

Just recently it occurred to me that since I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, maybe she does as well? Could an anti-depressant be all she needs to get through the winter with her schoolwork intact? I think it may be something to pursue. I hate the idea of making her take medication, especially medication that may effect her brain development in yet unknown ways. On the other hand I know that soon she'll be in high school where all of her decisions will effect the rest of her life. If she thinks of herself as a failure now, it may become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Never Forget

In March I went home to visit friends and family. While there I went out to lunch with a friend who had dealt with severe depression about eight or nine years ago. While talking I mentioned how I'd forgotten how bad it was when I suffered years ago and she responded "I'll never forget. I will make sure I never forget because I never want to be that bad again."

I'd forgotten. I'm not sure I know how to remember because the feelings are so hard to understand, let alone describe if you aren't in the middle of them yourself. What I do remember this time that I'd forgotten from before is that I didn't feel sad as the term depression might make you think; I felt nothing. I'd forgotten that...feeling nothing, feeling as though you'll never feel again. The fog, feeling as though you are moving through air that has texture, the weight of it. Every movement required so much energy, that was what I'd forgotten. Every thought required so much of me. Trying to come up with the energy to do something...anything was impossible some days.

I also forgot the fatigue. In my memory I simply wanted to sleep to avoid thinking. I'd forgotten that I stayed up until two, three, or four o'clock in the morning and slept until noon. I'd watch TV until just before the time for my husband to come home, rushing to get showered and dressed so he wouldn't know I'd done nothing all day. I thought that my days were just mixed up. I've read that depressive symptoms are at their worst first thing in the morning and get better as the day goes on. It was VERY difficult to make and keep appointments with doctors, or anyone.

This last depressive episode was different because I now have three kids to take care of. While there were a lot of things I could allow to fall by the wayside, I couldn't do that with the kids. Getting up in the early morning to get the kids off to school was hard, very hard. I knew that I had to do it, simply because otherwise I'd have legal problems. One visit from anyone involved in the law would have probably resulted in my children being taken away. If they saw the state my house was in during the worst of my depression I'm sure they would have said that their home wasn't safe. Plus it was easier to have them gone all day so I only had to deal with them for a few hours each day. After I'd get them off to school I'd frequently climb back into bed to sleep the morning away. I didn't remember how completely exhausted I was the first time. This time I have three kids, a job and volunteer work at the kids' school. I managed to do the minimum, though even my boss knew I was phoning it in at times.

It is so easy to forget how bad it can get. It is easy to think "I'm doing great, I don't need to keep taking my antidepressants." I can't let that happen again. I owe it to my children, my husband and myself to do everything in my power to keep the depression at bay. Part of the reason I write this blog is to make sure that I remember.

Do I attract depressed friends

My closest friend has had a horrible year, her husband left her, her older son is failing a good portion of his freshman year, her younger son was diagnosed as ADHD, she had to sell a house she loved to a completely unreasonable buyer and she was demoted at work. Not surprisingly she is depressed...clinically depressed, and suffering from anxiety. She feels like she is failing in every area of her life. When I was in the depths of my depression this winter I wondered if trying to help her was part of the reason I was getting so depressed. Is it contagious? Was it from all of the depressed talk that we were sharing? Or was it a horrible coincidence? I say horrible because I wasn't nearly as much help as I wish I was.

She isn't climbing out of her depression, in part because it seems as though she is still getting hit with new problems nearly every week. I've managed to climb most of the way out of my depression. Sometimes I find that I have less patience now to listen to her. Part of it is that I'm afraid to be pulled back down. Part of it is because nothing seems to be changing in her life. Part of it is that I have no idea how to help her or what advise to give her. I KNOW what it feels like to be so far down in the pit that you can't see daylight above you. I KNOW the helpless feeling you have when you are so depressed that you can't figure out how to do anything to improve your outlook. I also KNOW that you can't tell a person in that situation to simply "get over it." So I feel helpless. I do what I can, and I hope that it helps.

I also have to pull back sometimes and hope that someone else will step in and help her too. For myself and my own children I need to back off sometimes and allow myself some time to recharge and heal. I know that if I get worse and step into that pit that I won't be any help to her. But I can't help but feel that I'm a bad friend for doing that.