Monday, January 5, 2015

My Mother is a Wise Woman

I'm trying to fight my depression right now.  January is a hard month because I'm usually dealing with the money issues post Christmas and the days are too short and the sky is too cloudy/rainy -- why did I move to Oregon? This year I've added to my issues by leaving my husband in November.  I left for a lot of very good reasons but it is still hard to deal with all of the new issues, paying rent, dealing with the tightest budget I've had to deal with since I was in my twenties, single parenting and oh-my-gosh-what-if-the-car-breaks-down?

I needed to go up to my old house to get some more stuff to move to my new place.  I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to face Ex and I didn't want to see the old place.  Every time I go up there I feel helpless and hopeless.  My arms feel too heavy to lift.  How was I going to deal with stuff and move furniture feeling like that?  

My best friend and all around amazing person offered to go up with me.  She brought her two teenaged sons to help complain move furniture.  She kept me moving and kept my mind focused.  This enabled me to get the task done without running away to my car and avoiding it entirely.

Later I was talking to my mom about how I feel about that place and she said:   I think when you moved to Oregon and bought your place it was an opportunity to start over in a home of your own.  However since you started over with [Ex] and his determination to continue doing everything his way and forcing you to live as he wanted to live with all of his junk around him, your dream turned into a nightmare life.  It was as though you were sinking in quicksand and depression so overwhelming that you couldn't even force yourself to keep the place clean nor train the kids to do that.  It affected every aspect of your life and especially your health.  Once you broke out of the quicksand, you were free but only feel that way when you are away from that disaster of a dream life.  Now that you're away from it, and can truly see the depression that you felt, your instincts are all shouting, "Stay away."

She is so right.  I have my freedom, but when I return to that house I feel like I'm drowning in the quicksand all over again.  I'm nearly done with that place and will soon be seeing it in my rear-view mirror for the last time.  Thank God, I need to move on!

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