I left my husband in November and since then I've had a fight to stay out of the pit.  It is there, hovering at the edge of my mind like a ghost you can almost see if you move your head fast enough.  I don't want to be depressed again.  I'm taking Savella for my fibromyalgia, but my doctor said it was a pretty low dose so if I need more help to let him know.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that diet, exercise, SAM-e and keeping busy will help and keep me from having to take more antidepressants.

I moved into my new house in November and I've focused on keeping it clean and presentable.  Sometimes it feels like a lost cause with two teens and my young adult son all intent on destroying it.  But I won't allow them to do it.  I want a house that people can visit without me feeling too embarrassed.

I'm working full time and considering taking night classes.  Right now my company is about to split and there is a very real possibility that I may not have a job in a year.  I'm thinking of taking a class to help me pass my pharmacy tech exam.  After all, as I know, prescriptions will always be with us.  I think we'll continue to need more, not cut backs in this area.  So as I told my son, I'm done with software, I think I'll get into drugs!

Tai Chi

One of the things that helps my depression is exercise.  We all know this.  However, when you are in the deep pit of despair full of triple chocolate fudge ripple and laying flat on your bed staring at your ceiling...your most likely thought is "Am I going to be able to move any time soon?  Or at all?"

No, in this state of mind exercise isn't going to happen.  Nope, I think, I'm too fat, too uncoordinated, too ugly to ever step into a gym where they will likely all stand, stare and point, amiright?  I'm over 200 pounds and all of this flab takes enough energy to move up the stairs to bed.  Those gyms are full of skinny people pumping iron and cycling and stair stepping and Zoomba-ing.  I'd stand out like a sore thumb!

Well last year I decided to give Tai Chi a try.  Someone was starting a class in our gym at work so it was free.  It started at 4:45 and my work day ends at 4:30.  Oh damn, all out of excuses.  I LOVED it.  The moves are easy enough, but still demanding.  The focus required by my brain to balance, shift my weight, move my legs and feet and arms and hands, while watching my posture ... I can't think of anything else!!  I've heard it called the moving meditation and it really is.  All of my problems stay at the door while I'm in that gym.  I pick them up again on my way out, of course.  But for 45 minutes my mind it clear and focused, my body is moving and those endorphins start to pump.  I feel so accomplished when I leave...even as I drag my body home and collapse on my bed to stare at my ceiling.

So for the last 4 months I wasn't going.  Why did I allow this to happen?  Part of it was the move and separation from my Ex, part of it was allowing my depression to take over and convince me I was too far behind and I'd never catch up.  Who knows, but today I went.  I'm so glad I did.  If I don't take care of me, then no one will.  I need to focus on what keeps me healthy so that I can then help my kids.

My Mother is a Wise Woman

I'm trying to fight my depression right now.  January is a hard month because I'm usually dealing with the money issues post Christmas and the days are too short and the sky is too cloudy/rainy -- why did I move to Oregon? This year I've added to my issues by leaving my husband in November.  I left for a lot of very good reasons but it is still hard to deal with all of the new issues, paying rent, dealing with the tightest budget I've had to deal with since I was in my twenties, single parenting and oh-my-gosh-what-if-the-car-breaks-down?

I needed to go up to my old house to get some more stuff to move to my new place.  I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to face Ex and I didn't want to see the old place.  Every time I go up there I feel helpless and hopeless.  My arms feel too heavy to lift.  How was I going to deal with stuff and move furniture feeling like that?  

My best friend and all around amazing person offered to go up with me.  She brought her two teenaged sons to help complain move furniture.  She kept me moving and kept my mind focused.  This enabled me to get the task done without running away to my car and avoiding it entirely.

Later I was talking to my mom about how I feel about that place and she said:   I think when you moved to Oregon and bought your place it was an opportunity to start over in a home of your own.  However since you started over with [Ex] and his determination to continue doing everything his way and forcing you to live as he wanted to live with all of his junk around him, your dream turned into a nightmare life.  It was as though you were sinking in quicksand and depression so overwhelming that you couldn't even force yourself to keep the place clean nor train the kids to do that.  It affected every aspect of your life and especially your health.  Once you broke out of the quicksand, you were free but only feel that way when you are away from that disaster of a dream life.  Now that you're away from it, and can truly see the depression that you felt, your instincts are all shouting, "Stay away."

She is so right.  I have my freedom, but when I return to that house I feel like I'm drowning in the quicksand all over again.  I'm nearly done with that place and will soon be seeing it in my rear-view mirror for the last time.  Thank God, I need to move on!

Robin Williams

I haven't written in this blog for a long time.  I've been busy between working full time, raising three teens (one who recently turned 21 and is no longer a teen) and living life there isn't much time to write a blog too.  Depression is part of my daily life, sometimes the pit is deeper than other times, but it has been manageable.

2014 is about to end and I'm so glad.  It was a year of endings for me.  Among other things my marriage ended and my grandmother died.  We lost a lot of wonderful celebrities too Shirley Temple, Mickey Rooney, Casey Kasem, Ann B. Davis, Lauren Bacall, Joan Rivers.  But the big one was Robin Williams.  I've seen so many posts about Robin Williams.  So many people who claim to have all the answers...he should've reached out!  He should've known how many people loved him!  Committing suicide is the most selfish act!  People who say they've experienced depression but managed not to kill themselves, or that have considered suicide but didn't do it, are very self righteous right now.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say...maybe you don't really know what it was like.  You aren't Robin Williams.  In 1992-1993 I had the worst depression of my life.  I couldn't get out of bed most days.  Making it out in the late afternoon and getting to a doctor's appointment was a major accomplishment.  I had no life, no interests, no hobbies, nothing.  I wanted to be dead.  I thought that if I was dead then the pain would finally be over.

Some of my family and close friends noticed what was going on, and a few even asked me if I was thinking of harming myself.  Incredibly brave people they were!  I still thank God for them all the time.  I couldn't articulate my desire to be dead but that I didn't have any plans to do anything about it.  I remember distinctly driving on a windy road with trees along the side...wondering what speed I'd have to be going before I hit a tree to guarantee I'd die and not just be paralyzed.  I worried that my family would know it wasn't an accident and the fear of failure was probably all that kept me from trying.

I told them no, I wasn't thinking of harming myself.  It was a lie.  I didn't want to get into that discussion because I knew they'd never understand the difference between wanting to be dead and actually planning on doing it.  I was a chicken and afraid of all of the emotions that conversation would rile up.  Not in me, I didn't feel anything, but in my loved ones.  I was also afraid they might commit me against my will.  I wanted and needed help.  I didn't need to be locked up and medicated and electroshocked...okay, all I know about mental hospitals was from movies and books.

I managed to get out of the deep deep pit I was in.  Inch by slow inch.  It helped that I gave birth to an amazing baby boy (yes the 21 year old I talked about earlier) and he gave me a reason to keep trying.  I don't know what I would've done if I'd not been able to pull myself out.  At the time I didn't have medical insurance and I didn't have the wherewithal to even try to find those sliding scale places that are supposed to exist everywhere.  I did try and after three phone calls I hung up the phone and just sobbed.  It was too hard.

Suicide isn't a selfish act, not really.  It is an attempt to end the pain.

To the Motorcyclist in Portland Oregon yesterday

I know I frustrated you yesterday when I kept changing my mind as I approached the metering light to the on-ramp.  The traffic ahead of me was doing the same and I didn't want to be the fourth car in one lane if only one car was ahead of me in the other.  Maybe you couldn't see what the cars ahead of me were doing and you were only paying attention to my car.  We had our windows open because my air conditioner is broken.  That gave you the perfect opportunity to yell into my car "Dude pick a lane and stick with it."

I didn't respond because 1. I'm not a dude and that should be obvious to anyone looking at me and 2. I had all three of my kids in the car and I need to set a good example for them and yelling at random motorcyclists on freeway on-ramps isn't a good example.  We're supposed to turn the other cheek, so I did.  I hope that you felt better and calmer after yelling at a middle aged woman in a junker car full of teenagers.

We were in rush hour traffic and I'm sure you were just on your way home.  I don't live in Portland, I was lost and hoping that the map app on my phone wasn't leading me astray.  You see, we had to drive to Portland in my 17 year old car with the broken air conditioning to see a liver specialist at Oregon Health and Science University for my son.  We can't afford a better car or to fix this car right now because despite having good insurance we still have too many medical bills.

I may be having more difficulty lately making decisions because I've had to make so many.  I have to make decisions that can affect my son for the rest of his life.  Should he take this medication that may save his life right now but cause a tumor later that may take it?  Should I put him through another liver biopsy when the last one gave me nightmares for weeks?  Should I pay this medical bill this week or buy food for my growing teens?  What will I do if my company lays me off this month or next?  You see, those decisions are more important to me than which lane I should occupy, even if my indecision is driving you nuts.

I know you will probably never see this entry in my blog but I still want to say I'm sorry that I made your commute more difficult yesterday.  I hope you can accept my apology and be a little more human in your next interaction with a random stranger because you never know what battles they are fighting.

Getting Behinder

A month since my last post...wow, sorry guys.

I did a lot in August, the last month before the kids went off to school. Funny how even when I plan my summer vacation for June, August always ends up being an incredibly busy month. Does anyone else find that? Part of it is the garden: harvesting, cooking, canning, freezing, etc. and part of it is that everyone I know seems to suddenly realize that summer is nearly over and they all decide to visit in August.

Ah well, enjoyed the visits, not quite keeping up with the gardening but with the help of my mother-in-law's extra freezer I have a ton of peaches frozen for canning later. I'm almost grateful for the lack of pears on the tree this year. Weird how that works, last year we were canning pears left and right...this year, we got three.

I finally sat down and wrote up a budget. Realizing the reason we got into so much financial trouble in the first place...we don't make enough money. My husband hasn't gotten a raise in over six years and with prices going up, his money is worth less than it was over six years ago. I am making about the same as I was making six years ago also, maybe a little less. So, I have no choice but to figure out how to make more money. Do I quit the two part time jobs I have right now and look for full time employment, or do I look for another part time job? I have a lead on another part time job that might do the trick, so hopefully something will come of it.

An article in the paper the other day said that money does buy happiness, at least until you reach about $75,000 a year. Yup, we're nowhere near that. I'd love to try that level and see if I'm happier, anyone want to help with that? Of course twenty years ago when my husband and I were newly weds I thought that the level we are at now would be just about right, but of course we didn't have kids then.

Writing up the budget was probably the best thing I did. Now I know how much I have and how much is going out between now and the next time we are paid. No more credit cards, we are cash only now. That is a bit scary, especially right now while we are trying to build up some savings against possible car repairs or other emergencies.

I've also signed up for a class on Novel Writing. I've had some ideas running around in my head and I've sporadically put some of it down on paper (actually on computer, but you know what I mean) but I've never done any more than that. I've never finished one of them nor have I even thought about what to do after it is finished. I decided that I'm giving myself until the new year to figure out if this is something I want to pursue or not. Thus...the class. This was a big jump for me because it is a night class, meaning I'm leaving my kids home alone at night until after 10 p.m. The kids are 16, 13, and 10, so they aren't babies and the night isn't a school night so they don't need me there to force them to turn off their electronics and go to sleep. But I still worried, especially about the ten year old as she is a worrier. She ended up being the one to say "Go for it, we'll be fine." Out of the mouths of babes.

Fall is in the air and I'm already feeling the difference. I'm still taking the higher dosage of Welbutrin (generic) and I plan on taking it all through winter. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to avoid another deep depression like I suffered last winter. So now that I've caught you all up, hopefully I'll be better at keeping this blog up. After all, without regular posts how can I develop a following?

Abandoned or Abandoning?

I was thinking today while taking my shower (I always do my best thinking there) about my deepest depressions. Each time I felt alone and like I had no one to talk to. My first major depression was the year I had two miscarriages, my father was hospitalized and nearly died, my grandfather died and I was in a car accident with a drunk driver.

Any one of those things would cause stress, all of them taken together were too much, especially the miscarriages. My husband and I had been married six years and I'd put off having children until I finished my college degree. Once I was ready...I was READY. Then I had the miscarriages. My friends and family were all supportive but expected me to get over it quickly and move on. I didn't. As anyone who has experienced the miscarriage of a much wanted baby can tell you, you don't move on quickly. You need to grieve.

Grieve I did. I got depressed, really depressed. My parents worried that I was suicidal. My husband didn't understand the fuss. My friends wondered when I'd get over it. So I started to fake it. I pretended that everything was fine and tried to move on with my life. I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings because I didn't want to cause anyone any more worry.

The next depression wasn't quite as bad, but still effected me. I had finally had that first baby and I was so happy with him that I decided to have another. Once again...fertility problems. This one took two years before I was able to conceive my second child. Most people felt that I should be happy, after all I had one child, couldn't he be enough? I mostly faked it through this depression in part because I was parenting a toddler and couldn't stay in bed all day. Once again, I had no one to talk to. One of my friends was pregnant. Another was trying to conceive and having miscarriages. I was a lot of support for her, but she was in the "at least you have one child" camp. Once again I felt that I had no one to talk to.

The next depression hit after I had my third child (a surprise, no fertility problems there!) and I realized that my house was too tiny and my husband didn't care that we were stuck in a tiny house. Most of my friends and family were supportive, they all thought I was in a too tiny house too. I didn't really recognize this depression for what it was for a long time. Once I did I went to my GP and got my first prescription for antidepressants. Things improved, but once again I felt that I had no one to talk to. This was probably the first time I didn't talk to any friends deliberately. I wanted everyone to think that everything was perfect. I felt that I didn't really have any reason to complain. After all, I now had my three children, I was working at a part time job that I loved, and I had a roof over my head.

My most recent depression coincided with a major depression my best friend had. I didn't want to talk to her and bring her down farther. Once again I kept it to myself and didn't let anyone know how bad it had gotten. I mentioned it to one friend who is very holistic and didn't think I should go on medication again. Since that was the only real option available to me, I decided not to talk to her about it any more. Once again it seemed that all the people I'd normally talk to were unavailable to me.

So after remembering all of those I started to think about it. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Did I get depressed because my friends were busy and I had no one to talk to? Did my being depressed drive people away so I felt alone? Was I not telling people because it is so difficult to reach out and talk to people while I'm depressed?

Note: during all of these I didn't have therapy available because my insurances (I had different ones each time) either wouldn't cover therapy, or it was subject to a deductible - the lowest was $1,500 and was thus out of reach for me. Therapy might have helped me because then I would have had someone to talk to about everything and might not have felt so abandoned.

Hormones and Depression

I had a mixed week this week. 'That time of the month' and I find myself sinking down again. Things always bug me more when my hormones are in an uproar. I had some more negative comments about my parenting and it is really starting to get to me. Especially from one friend who is having far more difficulties with her own children, I wonder how she has the gall to say things about MY parenting. My mother also has said some negative things. She used to always have positive things to say about my parenting. She was the one source I had for reassurance that I was doing a good job...now I'm not getting that anywhere.

For the most part I'm doing better. Summer always finds me with more energy and a more positive outlook. I worry that I'm not doing a lot better right now because if I don't pull myself up more then this winter is going to be a hard one.

Success

It might seem that I'm obsessed with my medication, as this is another post about it. It isn't an obsession, exactly, it is mainly fueled by frustration. When I was suffering from depression about ten years ago I was first prescribed Prozac. I quickly discovered that the side effects were more than I was willing to endure. My doctor switched me to Welbutrin and it worked really well for me. At the time my insurance covered name brand prescriptions with a $40 co-pay after I met the $150 deductible. Generics were cheaper. Fast forward a few years and to a different insurance plan.

I signed up for my current insurance about five years ago. At the time they covered mental health but they only covered generic prescriptions. I have a huge deductible for name brand medications, so I just don't take them. After a year on my new insurance they decided to drop the mental health coverage, including prescriptions. Since then I've been surviving by using SAM-e and willpower until this latest depression. I did a lot of research and couldn't find any prescription drug program that included the generic for Welbutrin, until Walgreens started theirs. At first I thought I was limited to the dosage listed on their plan, but recently I discovered that they'd cover higher dosages at a slightly higher cost. So I'm now taking four 75 mg tablets a day for $24.00 for a 90 day supply! This is wonderful! The price for the 300 mg extended release is over $100 so I'm getting quite a deal.

The irony here that I've experienced many times is that in order to get help for mental health issues you have to be mentally healthy enough to pursue all of your options. No one seems to get that when you are depressed just getting out of bed is a challenge, talking to anyone about your issues is a major challenge and trying to do anything out of the ordinary is an insurmountable challenge. All of those people who feel that their insurance is just fine and any government plan would be a burden should thank their lucky stars that they have good insurance or have never been sick.

getting lower

When I'm healthy and call a friend who sounds distracted I think to myself that they must have something on TV that keeps catching their attention, or that they have something on their mind. When I'm depressed I think that they are trying to get me off of the phone because they don't want to waste their time talking to me.

When I'm healthy and someone cancels a date with me I believe the reason they give me and look forward to the time when we'll be able to get together in the future. When I'm depressed I'm sure they are lying to cover up the fact they don't really want to spend time with me.

When I'm healthy I can be happy for someone who is taking a vacation, buying a new car, getting a raise or promotion or achieves something that they have worked hard for. When I'm depressed all of those make me envious and miserable.

When I'm healthy I enjoy talking to my friends and loved ones. When I'm depressed I spend too much time analyzing those conversations to figure out what those people must really think of me.

I'm not sure if it is because of the rain but I'm getting lower lately. I keep going back to negative thoughts "no one likes me" and "I'm not worth anything." I keep thinking about everything that I've ever done wrong and anytime anyone has done anything that makes me think they don't like me. Often these times are when people are busy or distracted and usually I can remember that, but when I'm feeling down like this then those times seem personal.

I'm not sure why when I'm depressed that I'm so ready to believe that everyone hates me and no one wants me around. It is hard to feel like this and to make any effort to interact with anyone because I'm sure that by forcing them to call me I'm being a burden.

Next week I'm supposed to visit 'home' and I'm worrying that people resent having me around, don't really want to spend time with me, or simply will find a way to avoid me. I think I need to up my medications so I can get through this next week.

Is it just me?

I'm leaving soon to go 'home' and visit my family again. As usual I find myself dreading the leaving, but looking forward to seeing my loved ones. I hate leaving my comfortable bed and home. Oddly, after planning and looking forward to the trip, as it gets closer the more I look for a way out of it. This happens all the time as I think "maybe this isn't a good idea?" I'm not sure why.

I know part of it is the change in routine, the fatigue of the long drive, trying to fit everyone in and not leave anyone out. It is exhausting and it always seems that once I'm back I'll be squishing my busier workweek into a shorter period of time so I have no time to recover. All of that is a recipe for triggering some of my depressive symptoms.

Anti-depressants

When I first got my prescription for anti-depressants I tried taking just one a day. I didn't notice a huge change, a tiny change maybe. I then upped it to the doctor's prescription of two a day (which was really half what he wanted to prescribe, but all that the pharmacy prescription drug program would cover) and I felt a bit better...but not normal yet. I then figured out that I had enough pills to take three until it was time to refill the prescription and after that dosage kicked in...wow, it was night and day. I suddenly had enough energy to get up in the morning, take care of the house and my job, make dinner at night and not be exhausted. I remember scrubbing my stove and thinking "I wonder if this is how normal people feel?"

When I refilled my prescription I went back to the two a day level and I haven't felt quite the same. I'm researching my options to try to get enough without paying more than I can afford. I may even look into combining two prescriptions. Anything to feel normal. I feel like I'm cheating my kids by not being my best.

Genetics

My middle child is the most like me and often it is the things that I hate most about myself that I see in her. She has a keen sense of humor, is loyal to her friends, and very loving. She also has very mercurial mood swings. I've long noticed that she is not her best in the winter time, usually starting out the school year okay, then going downhill from there. She recovers some in the spring, but her grades can never recover from the steep downward slope in the winter. For many years I've said that she'd do fine in school if school went from March to November.

Just recently it occurred to me that since I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, maybe she does as well? Could an anti-depressant be all she needs to get through the winter with her schoolwork intact? I think it may be something to pursue. I hate the idea of making her take medication, especially medication that may effect her brain development in yet unknown ways. On the other hand I know that soon she'll be in high school where all of her decisions will effect the rest of her life. If she thinks of herself as a failure now, it may become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Never Forget

In March I went home to visit friends and family. While there I went out to lunch with a friend who had dealt with severe depression about eight or nine years ago. While talking I mentioned how I'd forgotten how bad it was when I suffered years ago and she responded "I'll never forget. I will make sure I never forget because I never want to be that bad again."

I'd forgotten. I'm not sure I know how to remember because the feelings are so hard to understand, let alone describe if you aren't in the middle of them yourself. What I do remember this time that I'd forgotten from before is that I didn't feel sad as the term depression might make you think; I felt nothing. I'd forgotten that...feeling nothing, feeling as though you'll never feel again. The fog, feeling as though you are moving through air that has texture, the weight of it. Every movement required so much energy, that was what I'd forgotten. Every thought required so much of me. Trying to come up with the energy to do something...anything was impossible some days.

I also forgot the fatigue. In my memory I simply wanted to sleep to avoid thinking. I'd forgotten that I stayed up until two, three, or four o'clock in the morning and slept until noon. I'd watch TV until just before the time for my husband to come home, rushing to get showered and dressed so he wouldn't know I'd done nothing all day. I thought that my days were just mixed up. I've read that depressive symptoms are at their worst first thing in the morning and get better as the day goes on. It was VERY difficult to make and keep appointments with doctors, or anyone.

This last depressive episode was different because I now have three kids to take care of. While there were a lot of things I could allow to fall by the wayside, I couldn't do that with the kids. Getting up in the early morning to get the kids off to school was hard, very hard. I knew that I had to do it, simply because otherwise I'd have legal problems. One visit from anyone involved in the law would have probably resulted in my children being taken away. If they saw the state my house was in during the worst of my depression I'm sure they would have said that their home wasn't safe. Plus it was easier to have them gone all day so I only had to deal with them for a few hours each day. After I'd get them off to school I'd frequently climb back into bed to sleep the morning away. I didn't remember how completely exhausted I was the first time. This time I have three kids, a job and volunteer work at the kids' school. I managed to do the minimum, though even my boss knew I was phoning it in at times.

It is so easy to forget how bad it can get. It is easy to think "I'm doing great, I don't need to keep taking my antidepressants." I can't let that happen again. I owe it to my children, my husband and myself to do everything in my power to keep the depression at bay. Part of the reason I write this blog is to make sure that I remember.

Do I attract depressed friends

My closest friend has had a horrible year, her husband left her, her older son is failing a good portion of his freshman year, her younger son was diagnosed as ADHD, she had to sell a house she loved to a completely unreasonable buyer and she was demoted at work. Not surprisingly she is depressed...clinically depressed, and suffering from anxiety. She feels like she is failing in every area of her life. When I was in the depths of my depression this winter I wondered if trying to help her was part of the reason I was getting so depressed. Is it contagious? Was it from all of the depressed talk that we were sharing? Or was it a horrible coincidence? I say horrible because I wasn't nearly as much help as I wish I was.

She isn't climbing out of her depression, in part because it seems as though she is still getting hit with new problems nearly every week. I've managed to climb most of the way out of my depression. Sometimes I find that I have less patience now to listen to her. Part of it is that I'm afraid to be pulled back down. Part of it is because nothing seems to be changing in her life. Part of it is that I have no idea how to help her or what advise to give her. I KNOW what it feels like to be so far down in the pit that you can't see daylight above you. I KNOW the helpless feeling you have when you are so depressed that you can't figure out how to do anything to improve your outlook. I also KNOW that you can't tell a person in that situation to simply "get over it." So I feel helpless. I do what I can, and I hope that it helps.

I also have to pull back sometimes and hope that someone else will step in and help her too. For myself and my own children I need to back off sometimes and allow myself some time to recharge and heal. I know that if I get worse and step into that pit that I won't be any help to her. But I can't help but feel that I'm a bad friend for doing that.

The sun is shining

There is sun outside! In the Pacific Northwest this is a news bulletin. I think the sun is helping me dig my way out of the pit. Of course the longer days and antidepressants help too. Over the last two weeks I've been up and down a lot. Some days are great, I get a lot accomplished and feel better because of that. Others...not so much. I can't get over the feeling that every time I get something done (I cleaned part of the garage! I did inventory for work! I did a load of laundry!) I want a pat on the back and an "atta girl!" Do we ever outgrow our need for someone's approval?

There are still down days. On Wednesday I was so tired that I was afraid I'd fall asleep while I was driving. I had several things to do that day and I couldn't nap, which was probably a good thing, but it was still hard to get through the day. I felt like I was back in the fog. I'm tired of this back and forth, of taking inventory each morning: how do I feel? Is this a good day or bad day? Will I be able to get everything done that I need to do?

On my best days I often wonder if that is how normal people feel most days. On those days I can wake up and get everything done I need to get done. I can work AND keep the house clean. I can do several loads of laundry, a load of dishes, sweep the floor AND cook dinner AFTER working all day. Don't most people manage to do all of that? Why can I only manage that on some days, and not enough to function well?

The sun is shining and I need to make sure I go out and enjoy it. I need all the sun I can get.

Feeling Better

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been steadily feeling better and more energetic. I'm not sure what is at the root of my feeling stronger since I've made several changes. I decided to stop buying so much fast food and I've been making dinner more often, every day last week. I only had a frozen dinner last night and it was mainly because I was so tired. I might have been extra tired because I worked a longer day than usual, or it might have been caused by the lunch I had at McDonald's. Note to self, pack a lunch today.

I've been trying to get more exercise. I've also given up my facebook games. Those things were ruling my life! Not playing them is giving me a lot more time in my day. Last Saturday I had to do a crisis cleaning to make my house presentable for a friend who was stopping by. Afterwards I swore that not only was I not going to allow it to become such a mess again, I was going to keep improving it. I allowed it to become a pig sty when I was in the depths of my depression and like a feedback loop it made things worse.

Lastly I've been on my antidepressants for nearly four months now. It is possible that they have built up in my body enough to effect some real change. Whatever has caused this improvement I hope it lasts so I can finally get some control over my life.

Going Home

I just got back from spending a week visiting friends and family. My antidepressant seemed to be working and I thought that also going south were I'd be around more sun might also help. It was enjoyable to see everyone but also sad. Kids are growing up and everyone I left behind is moving on with their lives. While I enjoyed seeing everyone and they all made an effort to spend time with me I also felt like I was very dispensable. Life went on without me so easily.

Self Image

Sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. When I was in college my minor was psychology because I've always had an interest in the workings of the human mind. I still remember a tiny bit of information from one of my classes that haunts me every time I suffer a depressive episode. I learned that a depressed person has a more realistic idea of how their friends and family perceive them than a non-depressed person. Great. When I'm deep in one of my depressive episodes I feel that my friends and family don't really like me all that much. That they'd rather I'd disappear so they wouldn't have to deal with me. When I'm not depressed I think that they enjoy my company and find me funny and fun to be with. So I'm more realistic when I'm depressed? How depressing is that?

Self Torture

I wonder if there is a mental illness that results in a person torturing herself by reading incredibly sad stories over and over again while tears are streaming down her face? 'Cuz this is me. I happened across a blog written by a woman whose toddler daughter passed away. Then from that blog I found other blogs written by women who have also lost their children or are in the process of loosing their children. Every single blog was heart wrenching. I couldn't read any of them without crying so hard that my eyes hurt. Why am I doing this? I know that horrible things happen, that children can die before their parents (Heaven knows I've worried about this for over 16 years) and that life can really suck. So why am I dwelling on this?

I have no idea unless it is easier to cry over someone else's pain than my own. Or maybe it is to prove to myself that I'm not as bad off as they are: my children and husband are alive and well. Maybe by reading these blogs I prove to myself that I still have feelings, that I'm not as numb as I'm afraid I am.

Another thing I've become aware of is increasing paraphasia -- substituting one word for another. I'll be telling someone that an item is near the oven, when I mean stove. I'll tell someone to meet me at Shopko when I mean WinCo. I've always had a problem mixing my children's names up (I think that is normal) but I'm mixing other people's names up. I'm even having difficulty remembering names at all. My best friend has a hairdresser I've been to a couple of times but I can never remember her name. I always have to call my friend first so I can call for an appointment.

I know forgetfulness is an issue in people with depression, I'm not sure about paraphasia, but I'm betting it is also. I've no idea what to do about it. Sometimes I think I have so many thoughts running around in my head that they are messing with my speech. I need to be able to quiet down the thoughts in my head so that I can talk.