Wednesday, June 9, 2010

getting lower

When I'm healthy and call a friend who sounds distracted I think to myself that they must have something on TV that keeps catching their attention, or that they have something on their mind. When I'm depressed I think that they are trying to get me off of the phone because they don't want to waste their time talking to me.

When I'm healthy and someone cancels a date with me I believe the reason they give me and look forward to the time when we'll be able to get together in the future. When I'm depressed I'm sure they are lying to cover up the fact they don't really want to spend time with me.

When I'm healthy I can be happy for someone who is taking a vacation, buying a new car, getting a raise or promotion or achieves something that they have worked hard for. When I'm depressed all of those make me envious and miserable.

When I'm healthy I enjoy talking to my friends and loved ones. When I'm depressed I spend too much time analyzing those conversations to figure out what those people must really think of me.

I'm not sure if it is because of the rain but I'm getting lower lately. I keep going back to negative thoughts "no one likes me" and "I'm not worth anything." I keep thinking about everything that I've ever done wrong and anytime anyone has done anything that makes me think they don't like me. Often these times are when people are busy or distracted and usually I can remember that, but when I'm feeling down like this then those times seem personal.

I'm not sure why when I'm depressed that I'm so ready to believe that everyone hates me and no one wants me around. It is hard to feel like this and to make any effort to interact with anyone because I'm sure that by forcing them to call me I'm being a burden.

Next week I'm supposed to visit 'home' and I'm worrying that people resent having me around, don't really want to spend time with me, or simply will find a way to avoid me. I think I need to up my medications so I can get through this next week.

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