Feeling adrift

I'm usually down in the winter but I have more issues to deal with this winter.  Yesterday was my Ex's birthday and I felt badly because I knew he was alone.  It was his own doing, but I still felt badly.  Isn't that a typical woman?  It has now been nearly three months since I told him I was leaving.  I'm starting to dream about him, but not as he is.  I'm dreaming about him as I wish he was.

I'm feeling guilty and tired and lonely and hopeless.  As long as I get my child support and alimony I'm doing okay...but I can't count on it.  I feel that I can't get ahead.  I did some research on other jobs that I could get in this area with minimal schooling.  I can't really find a job making much more money.

I'm overwhelmingly tired...sleepy too.  I could nap now.  I'm also feeling the depression monkey climbing on my back.  I'm not sure how to deal with that.  I've been eating poorly lately.  I wonder if cutting sugar out of my diet would help?

How do I trust myself?

The longer I'm away from my ex-husband the more I realize how mentally ill he was.  I never noticed when I was around him every day how strange he was getting.  People around me noticed.  They softly tried to warn me, but I didn't see it.

I'm too new at being single to even think seriously about dating.  I'm now scared of it.  How can I trust my own judgement when I lived with a mentally ill man and never even realized it?

I left my husband in November and since then I've had a fight to stay out of the pit.  It is there, hovering at the edge of my mind like a ghost you can almost see if you move your head fast enough.  I don't want to be depressed again.  I'm taking Savella for my fibromyalgia, but my doctor said it was a pretty low dose so if I need more help to let him know.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that diet, exercise, SAM-e and keeping busy will help and keep me from having to take more antidepressants.

I moved into my new house in November and I've focused on keeping it clean and presentable.  Sometimes it feels like a lost cause with two teens and my young adult son all intent on destroying it.  But I won't allow them to do it.  I want a house that people can visit without me feeling too embarrassed.

I'm working full time and considering taking night classes.  Right now my company is about to split and there is a very real possibility that I may not have a job in a year.  I'm thinking of taking a class to help me pass my pharmacy tech exam.  After all, as I know, prescriptions will always be with us.  I think we'll continue to need more, not cut backs in this area.  So as I told my son, I'm done with software, I think I'll get into drugs!

Tai Chi

One of the things that helps my depression is exercise.  We all know this.  However, when you are in the deep pit of despair full of triple chocolate fudge ripple and laying flat on your bed staring at your ceiling...your most likely thought is "Am I going to be able to move any time soon?  Or at all?"

No, in this state of mind exercise isn't going to happen.  Nope, I think, I'm too fat, too uncoordinated, too ugly to ever step into a gym where they will likely all stand, stare and point, amiright?  I'm over 200 pounds and all of this flab takes enough energy to move up the stairs to bed.  Those gyms are full of skinny people pumping iron and cycling and stair stepping and Zoomba-ing.  I'd stand out like a sore thumb!

Well last year I decided to give Tai Chi a try.  Someone was starting a class in our gym at work so it was free.  It started at 4:45 and my work day ends at 4:30.  Oh damn, all out of excuses.  I LOVED it.  The moves are easy enough, but still demanding.  The focus required by my brain to balance, shift my weight, move my legs and feet and arms and hands, while watching my posture ... I can't think of anything else!!  I've heard it called the moving meditation and it really is.  All of my problems stay at the door while I'm in that gym.  I pick them up again on my way out, of course.  But for 45 minutes my mind it clear and focused, my body is moving and those endorphins start to pump.  I feel so accomplished when I leave...even as I drag my body home and collapse on my bed to stare at my ceiling.

So for the last 4 months I wasn't going.  Why did I allow this to happen?  Part of it was the move and separation from my Ex, part of it was allowing my depression to take over and convince me I was too far behind and I'd never catch up.  Who knows, but today I went.  I'm so glad I did.  If I don't take care of me, then no one will.  I need to focus on what keeps me healthy so that I can then help my kids.

My Mother is a Wise Woman

I'm trying to fight my depression right now.  January is a hard month because I'm usually dealing with the money issues post Christmas and the days are too short and the sky is too cloudy/rainy -- why did I move to Oregon? This year I've added to my issues by leaving my husband in November.  I left for a lot of very good reasons but it is still hard to deal with all of the new issues, paying rent, dealing with the tightest budget I've had to deal with since I was in my twenties, single parenting and oh-my-gosh-what-if-the-car-breaks-down?

I needed to go up to my old house to get some more stuff to move to my new place.  I didn't want to do it.  I didn't want to face Ex and I didn't want to see the old place.  Every time I go up there I feel helpless and hopeless.  My arms feel too heavy to lift.  How was I going to deal with stuff and move furniture feeling like that?  

My best friend and all around amazing person offered to go up with me.  She brought her two teenaged sons to help complain move furniture.  She kept me moving and kept my mind focused.  This enabled me to get the task done without running away to my car and avoiding it entirely.

Later I was talking to my mom about how I feel about that place and she said:   I think when you moved to Oregon and bought your place it was an opportunity to start over in a home of your own.  However since you started over with [Ex] and his determination to continue doing everything his way and forcing you to live as he wanted to live with all of his junk around him, your dream turned into a nightmare life.  It was as though you were sinking in quicksand and depression so overwhelming that you couldn't even force yourself to keep the place clean nor train the kids to do that.  It affected every aspect of your life and especially your health.  Once you broke out of the quicksand, you were free but only feel that way when you are away from that disaster of a dream life.  Now that you're away from it, and can truly see the depression that you felt, your instincts are all shouting, "Stay away."

She is so right.  I have my freedom, but when I return to that house I feel like I'm drowning in the quicksand all over again.  I'm nearly done with that place and will soon be seeing it in my rear-view mirror for the last time.  Thank God, I need to move on!