Tai Chi

One of the things that helps my depression is exercise.  We all know this.  However, when you are in the deep pit of despair full of triple chocolate fudge ripple and laying flat on your bed staring at your ceiling...your most likely thought is "Am I going to be able to move any time soon?  Or at all?"

No, in this state of mind exercise isn't going to happen.  Nope, I think, I'm too fat, too uncoordinated, too ugly to ever step into a gym where they will likely all stand, stare and point, amiright?  I'm over 200 pounds and all of this flab takes enough energy to move up the stairs to bed.  Those gyms are full of skinny people pumping iron and cycling and stair stepping and Zoomba-ing.  I'd stand out like a sore thumb!

Well last year I decided to give Tai Chi a try.  Someone was starting a class in our gym at work so it was free.  It started at 4:45 and my work day ends at 4:30.  Oh damn, all out of excuses.  I LOVED it.  The moves are easy enough, but still demanding.  The focus required by my brain to balance, shift my weight, move my legs and feet and arms and hands, while watching my posture ... I can't think of anything else!!  I've heard it called the moving meditation and it really is.  All of my problems stay at the door while I'm in that gym.  I pick them up again on my way out, of course.  But for 45 minutes my mind it clear and focused, my body is moving and those endorphins start to pump.  I feel so accomplished when I leave...even as I drag my body home and collapse on my bed to stare at my ceiling.

So for the last 4 months I wasn't going.  Why did I allow this to happen?  Part of it was the move and separation from my Ex, part of it was allowing my depression to take over and convince me I was too far behind and I'd never catch up.  Who knows, but today I went.  I'm so glad I did.  If I don't take care of me, then no one will.  I need to focus on what keeps me healthy so that I can then help my kids.

Forgetfulness

Yesterday I had a meeting with my supervisor. She was going over my work and mentioned my procrastination and how she'd like me to finish up my week on Thursday rather than waiting until Friday. She mentioned my forgetfulness and I finally had to tell her about my depression, hoping she'd understand and not consider me a liability. She seemed really understanding, so I hope that was a triumph for me.

I slept a great deal on Monday and Tuesday. I'm trying not to go back to bed after I get the kids off to school, but sometimes I'm so tired. Yesterday I got on the treadmill instead of going to bed and it seemed to help. My treadmill is acting up so I'm worried about how long it'll hold out for me.

I've upped my antidepressant prescription to three pills. I counted the pills left until I can refill the prescription and I have enough to maintain the three pills until then. I must've forgotten a lot last month. Not good. I think I'm starting to notice a difference as I've been able to address more issues yesterday and today than I have for awhile.

Earlier this week I finally cleaned the kids' bathroom. What a sty it was. I'm trying to gradually address the messes in the house because I know that once it is clean enough to allow people to enter the house without being totally embarrassed that I'll feel better. I suspect that there is a lot of mold and it is either effecting my mood or my health, or both.

exercise part three

I only managed to use the treadmill once last week. Mostly because I worked long days on the kids' school days and didn't want to be too tired for work. Today I decided to get back on that horse again before I let it slide. I like to walk until the minute hand is on a number so when I started my goal was 12 minutes. I was also listening to my iPod, so when my time was up my song wasn't and I decided to keep going until the song was over and made it 15 minutes. I was hot, sweating and breathing hard when it was over but I feel good about it.

Yesterday I was helping my friend search her garage for boxes of stuff that she needed for her house. I grabbed one particularly heavy box and I was backing out of a tight spot and ended up tripping over her lawn mower and falling onto the concrete, landing mostly on my right elbow. So that is sore, as is my back and neck. Fun. No good deed goes unpunished.

My middle daughter was being particularly grumpy and difficult yesterday. She'd gone off with a friend on Saturday and had a great day of fun, but frequently she is very difficult the next day. We went out to dinner and she was staging a hunger strike. Not so bad by itself, but she was also being nasty and sarcastic. Finally I had it and scolded her "You got to go out yesterday and have fun with your friend, see a movie and her mom even bought you stuff. I didn't get that. Yesterday was all about you. Today can you at least not make me miserable?" She sat there quietly for awhile and then decided to eat, talk and be relatively pleasant. I wish she could be nice without always having to be brought to task.

My son made me laugh. He is the one with Asperger's and he is very very quiet at school. He has two friends, neither of who attend his school. For the most part he goes through his tiny high school with his hood up and (if not in class) his face buried in a book. He is nearly invisible at school and if he attended a large high school he would probably be invisible. We were joking about his invisibility when he said "I don't want to be invisible in college, I'll need to be noticed." I said "Well then you'll have to talk to people." He responded "Gosh darn it, there's always a catch." LOL!