Hormones and Depression

I had a mixed week this week. 'That time of the month' and I find myself sinking down again. Things always bug me more when my hormones are in an uproar. I had some more negative comments about my parenting and it is really starting to get to me. Especially from one friend who is having far more difficulties with her own children, I wonder how she has the gall to say things about MY parenting. My mother also has said some negative things. She used to always have positive things to say about my parenting. She was the one source I had for reassurance that I was doing a good job...now I'm not getting that anywhere.

For the most part I'm doing better. Summer always finds me with more energy and a more positive outlook. I worry that I'm not doing a lot better right now because if I don't pull myself up more then this winter is going to be a hard one.

motherhood, friends and competition

I woke up angry this morning two hours before my alarm was due to go off. I knew it was going to be impossible to go back to sleep, but I wish I could get rid of the anger. I know why I'm angry it was what I was thinking about when I woke up. Right now my ten year old daughter is with family 600 miles away. The second night she took her cell phone into the bathroom at my brother's house and called me crying because she was homesick and missed me. I talked to her, reminding her how much she wanted to spend time with her cousins and eventually my sister-in-law heard her crying and comforted her too.

The part that bothered me was that when I mentioned this to my friend her response was "It'll be good for her. She'll be fine." That was all. It really bugged me because I was hoping for a bit more support than that. Even an "ow, that must've been hard" would have been enough. All I wanted was some commiseration, not a comment on my parenting. I'd dare any parent to listen to their ten year old child crying from homesickness on the phone and not hurt for them.

A bit of background on this is that this particular daughter of mine has always been a mama's girl. As a baby she didn't want anyone else to watch her unless she knew them really well. Sometimes even when she had cousins to play with she'd prefer to be near me. She was a clingy baby and I knew it, I had no idea what to do about it and honestly it didn't bother me too much. My younger brother was much the same as a child and he has grown up into a normal adult. So I wasn't really worried that my daughter would be clingy all her life.

Two friends of mine were always bothered by her clinging. They always made negative comments about it and made me feel like a bad parent because I didn't do something about it. Though I admit I have no idea what I should do about it. Today one of them has a 17 year old daughter who never wants to spend the night anywhere but at home, the other has a 9 year old son who wants to sleep in the same bed as his mom. Yet they both STILL make negative comments about my clingy daughter who is at this moment 600 miles away from home.

What is the reason behind the drive for friends to make negative comments about other people's children? I can understand that if I'd complained about how clingy my daughter is that I would be inviting advice. It didn't bother me though, it bothered my friends and they felt the need to make comments on it, and have been for nine years. They can't seem to see that even as my daughter has gradually grown more able to separate from me they both have children who are getting more clingy not less.

I made some comments online last night about this issue that seemed to annoy one of my friends and we're supposed to have lunch together today. I think that I need to have a conversation with her that I've avoided for too long. Maybe then I can sleep longer tomorrow and wake up in a better mood.

exercise part three

I only managed to use the treadmill once last week. Mostly because I worked long days on the kids' school days and didn't want to be too tired for work. Today I decided to get back on that horse again before I let it slide. I like to walk until the minute hand is on a number so when I started my goal was 12 minutes. I was also listening to my iPod, so when my time was up my song wasn't and I decided to keep going until the song was over and made it 15 minutes. I was hot, sweating and breathing hard when it was over but I feel good about it.

Yesterday I was helping my friend search her garage for boxes of stuff that she needed for her house. I grabbed one particularly heavy box and I was backing out of a tight spot and ended up tripping over her lawn mower and falling onto the concrete, landing mostly on my right elbow. So that is sore, as is my back and neck. Fun. No good deed goes unpunished.

My middle daughter was being particularly grumpy and difficult yesterday. She'd gone off with a friend on Saturday and had a great day of fun, but frequently she is very difficult the next day. We went out to dinner and she was staging a hunger strike. Not so bad by itself, but she was also being nasty and sarcastic. Finally I had it and scolded her "You got to go out yesterday and have fun with your friend, see a movie and her mom even bought you stuff. I didn't get that. Yesterday was all about you. Today can you at least not make me miserable?" She sat there quietly for awhile and then decided to eat, talk and be relatively pleasant. I wish she could be nice without always having to be brought to task.

My son made me laugh. He is the one with Asperger's and he is very very quiet at school. He has two friends, neither of who attend his school. For the most part he goes through his tiny high school with his hood up and (if not in class) his face buried in a book. He is nearly invisible at school and if he attended a large high school he would probably be invisible. We were joking about his invisibility when he said "I don't want to be invisible in college, I'll need to be noticed." I said "Well then you'll have to talk to people." He responded "Gosh darn it, there's always a catch." LOL!

What kind of mom am I?

One aspect of my depression is that I often spend way too much time dwelling on every mistake I've ever made. Well, probably not EVERY mistake, I'm sure I've forgotten a few. But as a mom of three kids I'm already doing a job where you worry daily if you are doing it right. I'm sure nearly every parent has wondered after yelling at their child for the one hundredth time if this is going to be what your child is talking about to his psychologist in twenty years.

My 16 year old son has Asperger's syndrome which is a form of high functioning autism. I frequently wonder if his difficult birth deprived him of oxygen at the wrong time. Maybe it was the chemicals that my body was releasing during my pregnancy which coincided with my first deep depression and was never treated. Maybe it was all those darn peanut butter cups that I craved during my pregnancy -- once the morning sickness was over.

My 12 year old daughter has no ambition at all. If she could be paid to watch TV that would be her goal. She is better at sneaking and hiding the things she knows she shouldn't do than both of her siblings combined. I often worry that my depression has caused me to be the worse kind of mother for her. I should be way more on top of things with her. I often know that she is probably doing something she shouldn't, but I'm too tired to deal with it. I let her get away with way too much because she is such a difficult child to parent.

My youngest is a very bright child but very easily distracted. She could be a far better student if I was better at making sure she did her homework and helped her be more organized. She is also very sensitive and easily hurt. Her sister torments her and while I try to protect when my energy allows, I could do so much more.

I allow my depression to take over so much that my house is a pit. I'm honestly embarrassed to have anyone over or to let my kids have anyone over. But it is easier to stay in bed than to deal with it. I'm not teaching my kids the skills they need to keep a house and I'm raising them to be resentful of cleaning. I never take them out on hikes or away from the house to appreciate nature. So nearly every hour they aren't in school they are living in this pit with me.

So what kind of mom am I? Am I failing at this most important task? As a mom with depression who is unable to get any treatment because my health insurance won't pay for it what responsibility to I have? I've heard it said that it takes a village to raise a child, but can't the parents get that support from the village? I need help dealing with my depression so that I can better parent my children. Should I have never had children? Unfortunately I was pregnant with my first child when I suffered my first bout with depression and I didn't have another bout until after I had all three children. I didn't know that I'd be dealing with this.