Getting Behinder

A month since my last post...wow, sorry guys.

I did a lot in August, the last month before the kids went off to school. Funny how even when I plan my summer vacation for June, August always ends up being an incredibly busy month. Does anyone else find that? Part of it is the garden: harvesting, cooking, canning, freezing, etc. and part of it is that everyone I know seems to suddenly realize that summer is nearly over and they all decide to visit in August.

Ah well, enjoyed the visits, not quite keeping up with the gardening but with the help of my mother-in-law's extra freezer I have a ton of peaches frozen for canning later. I'm almost grateful for the lack of pears on the tree this year. Weird how that works, last year we were canning pears left and right...this year, we got three.

I finally sat down and wrote up a budget. Realizing the reason we got into so much financial trouble in the first place...we don't make enough money. My husband hasn't gotten a raise in over six years and with prices going up, his money is worth less than it was over six years ago. I am making about the same as I was making six years ago also, maybe a little less. So, I have no choice but to figure out how to make more money. Do I quit the two part time jobs I have right now and look for full time employment, or do I look for another part time job? I have a lead on another part time job that might do the trick, so hopefully something will come of it.

An article in the paper the other day said that money does buy happiness, at least until you reach about $75,000 a year. Yup, we're nowhere near that. I'd love to try that level and see if I'm happier, anyone want to help with that? Of course twenty years ago when my husband and I were newly weds I thought that the level we are at now would be just about right, but of course we didn't have kids then.

Writing up the budget was probably the best thing I did. Now I know how much I have and how much is going out between now and the next time we are paid. No more credit cards, we are cash only now. That is a bit scary, especially right now while we are trying to build up some savings against possible car repairs or other emergencies.

I've also signed up for a class on Novel Writing. I've had some ideas running around in my head and I've sporadically put some of it down on paper (actually on computer, but you know what I mean) but I've never done any more than that. I've never finished one of them nor have I even thought about what to do after it is finished. I decided that I'm giving myself until the new year to figure out if this is something I want to pursue or not. Thus...the class. This was a big jump for me because it is a night class, meaning I'm leaving my kids home alone at night until after 10 p.m. The kids are 16, 13, and 10, so they aren't babies and the night isn't a school night so they don't need me there to force them to turn off their electronics and go to sleep. But I still worried, especially about the ten year old as she is a worrier. She ended up being the one to say "Go for it, we'll be fine." Out of the mouths of babes.

Fall is in the air and I'm already feeling the difference. I'm still taking the higher dosage of Welbutrin (generic) and I plan on taking it all through winter. Keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to avoid another deep depression like I suffered last winter. So now that I've caught you all up, hopefully I'll be better at keeping this blog up. After all, without regular posts how can I develop a following?

Abandoned or Abandoning?

I was thinking today while taking my shower (I always do my best thinking there) about my deepest depressions. Each time I felt alone and like I had no one to talk to. My first major depression was the year I had two miscarriages, my father was hospitalized and nearly died, my grandfather died and I was in a car accident with a drunk driver.

Any one of those things would cause stress, all of them taken together were too much, especially the miscarriages. My husband and I had been married six years and I'd put off having children until I finished my college degree. Once I was ready...I was READY. Then I had the miscarriages. My friends and family were all supportive but expected me to get over it quickly and move on. I didn't. As anyone who has experienced the miscarriage of a much wanted baby can tell you, you don't move on quickly. You need to grieve.

Grieve I did. I got depressed, really depressed. My parents worried that I was suicidal. My husband didn't understand the fuss. My friends wondered when I'd get over it. So I started to fake it. I pretended that everything was fine and tried to move on with my life. I didn't talk to anyone about my feelings because I didn't want to cause anyone any more worry.

The next depression wasn't quite as bad, but still effected me. I had finally had that first baby and I was so happy with him that I decided to have another. Once again...fertility problems. This one took two years before I was able to conceive my second child. Most people felt that I should be happy, after all I had one child, couldn't he be enough? I mostly faked it through this depression in part because I was parenting a toddler and couldn't stay in bed all day. Once again, I had no one to talk to. One of my friends was pregnant. Another was trying to conceive and having miscarriages. I was a lot of support for her, but she was in the "at least you have one child" camp. Once again I felt that I had no one to talk to.

The next depression hit after I had my third child (a surprise, no fertility problems there!) and I realized that my house was too tiny and my husband didn't care that we were stuck in a tiny house. Most of my friends and family were supportive, they all thought I was in a too tiny house too. I didn't really recognize this depression for what it was for a long time. Once I did I went to my GP and got my first prescription for antidepressants. Things improved, but once again I felt that I had no one to talk to. This was probably the first time I didn't talk to any friends deliberately. I wanted everyone to think that everything was perfect. I felt that I didn't really have any reason to complain. After all, I now had my three children, I was working at a part time job that I loved, and I had a roof over my head.

My most recent depression coincided with a major depression my best friend had. I didn't want to talk to her and bring her down farther. Once again I kept it to myself and didn't let anyone know how bad it had gotten. I mentioned it to one friend who is very holistic and didn't think I should go on medication again. Since that was the only real option available to me, I decided not to talk to her about it any more. Once again it seemed that all the people I'd normally talk to were unavailable to me.

So after remembering all of those I started to think about it. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Did I get depressed because my friends were busy and I had no one to talk to? Did my being depressed drive people away so I felt alone? Was I not telling people because it is so difficult to reach out and talk to people while I'm depressed?

Note: during all of these I didn't have therapy available because my insurances (I had different ones each time) either wouldn't cover therapy, or it was subject to a deductible - the lowest was $1,500 and was thus out of reach for me. Therapy might have helped me because then I would have had someone to talk to about everything and might not have felt so abandoned.

Success

It might seem that I'm obsessed with my medication, as this is another post about it. It isn't an obsession, exactly, it is mainly fueled by frustration. When I was suffering from depression about ten years ago I was first prescribed Prozac. I quickly discovered that the side effects were more than I was willing to endure. My doctor switched me to Welbutrin and it worked really well for me. At the time my insurance covered name brand prescriptions with a $40 co-pay after I met the $150 deductible. Generics were cheaper. Fast forward a few years and to a different insurance plan.

I signed up for my current insurance about five years ago. At the time they covered mental health but they only covered generic prescriptions. I have a huge deductible for name brand medications, so I just don't take them. After a year on my new insurance they decided to drop the mental health coverage, including prescriptions. Since then I've been surviving by using SAM-e and willpower until this latest depression. I did a lot of research and couldn't find any prescription drug program that included the generic for Welbutrin, until Walgreens started theirs. At first I thought I was limited to the dosage listed on their plan, but recently I discovered that they'd cover higher dosages at a slightly higher cost. So I'm now taking four 75 mg tablets a day for $24.00 for a 90 day supply! This is wonderful! The price for the 300 mg extended release is over $100 so I'm getting quite a deal.

The irony here that I've experienced many times is that in order to get help for mental health issues you have to be mentally healthy enough to pursue all of your options. No one seems to get that when you are depressed just getting out of bed is a challenge, talking to anyone about your issues is a major challenge and trying to do anything out of the ordinary is an insurmountable challenge. All of those people who feel that their insurance is just fine and any government plan would be a burden should thank their lucky stars that they have good insurance or have never been sick.

Medication

I was on vacation last week and I decided that I wanted to make sure that I enjoyed the week so I took the increased dosage of my anti-depressants even though that would mean that I wouldn't have enough of the medication to finish out the course. Today I called the Walgreen's prescription line to find out if I could actually get a prescription with three pills a day rather than just two and still get the discount. I can, it is $9.99 a month, rather than over $100.00, something that I can actually afford. So I have an appointment this week to speak to the dr. and ask for the higher prescription.

I'm so disappointed that the new healthcare legislation that Obama whimped out on will likely help me very little. After the kids are back in school this fall I'm going to make it my goal to find a job with health benefits.

Anti-depressants

When I first got my prescription for anti-depressants I tried taking just one a day. I didn't notice a huge change, a tiny change maybe. I then upped it to the doctor's prescription of two a day (which was really half what he wanted to prescribe, but all that the pharmacy prescription drug program would cover) and I felt a bit better...but not normal yet. I then figured out that I had enough pills to take three until it was time to refill the prescription and after that dosage kicked in...wow, it was night and day. I suddenly had enough energy to get up in the morning, take care of the house and my job, make dinner at night and not be exhausted. I remember scrubbing my stove and thinking "I wonder if this is how normal people feel?"

When I refilled my prescription I went back to the two a day level and I haven't felt quite the same. I'm researching my options to try to get enough without paying more than I can afford. I may even look into combining two prescriptions. Anything to feel normal. I feel like I'm cheating my kids by not being my best.

Genetics

My middle child is the most like me and often it is the things that I hate most about myself that I see in her. She has a keen sense of humor, is loyal to her friends, and very loving. She also has very mercurial mood swings. I've long noticed that she is not her best in the winter time, usually starting out the school year okay, then going downhill from there. She recovers some in the spring, but her grades can never recover from the steep downward slope in the winter. For many years I've said that she'd do fine in school if school went from March to November.

Just recently it occurred to me that since I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, maybe she does as well? Could an anti-depressant be all she needs to get through the winter with her schoolwork intact? I think it may be something to pursue. I hate the idea of making her take medication, especially medication that may effect her brain development in yet unknown ways. On the other hand I know that soon she'll be in high school where all of her decisions will effect the rest of her life. If she thinks of herself as a failure now, it may become a self fulfilling prophecy.

The sun is shining

There is sun outside! In the Pacific Northwest this is a news bulletin. I think the sun is helping me dig my way out of the pit. Of course the longer days and antidepressants help too. Over the last two weeks I've been up and down a lot. Some days are great, I get a lot accomplished and feel better because of that. Others...not so much. I can't get over the feeling that every time I get something done (I cleaned part of the garage! I did inventory for work! I did a load of laundry!) I want a pat on the back and an "atta girl!" Do we ever outgrow our need for someone's approval?

There are still down days. On Wednesday I was so tired that I was afraid I'd fall asleep while I was driving. I had several things to do that day and I couldn't nap, which was probably a good thing, but it was still hard to get through the day. I felt like I was back in the fog. I'm tired of this back and forth, of taking inventory each morning: how do I feel? Is this a good day or bad day? Will I be able to get everything done that I need to do?

On my best days I often wonder if that is how normal people feel most days. On those days I can wake up and get everything done I need to get done. I can work AND keep the house clean. I can do several loads of laundry, a load of dishes, sweep the floor AND cook dinner AFTER working all day. Don't most people manage to do all of that? Why can I only manage that on some days, and not enough to function well?

The sun is shining and I need to make sure I go out and enjoy it. I need all the sun I can get.

Feeling Better

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been steadily feeling better and more energetic. I'm not sure what is at the root of my feeling stronger since I've made several changes. I decided to stop buying so much fast food and I've been making dinner more often, every day last week. I only had a frozen dinner last night and it was mainly because I was so tired. I might have been extra tired because I worked a longer day than usual, or it might have been caused by the lunch I had at McDonald's. Note to self, pack a lunch today.

I've been trying to get more exercise. I've also given up my facebook games. Those things were ruling my life! Not playing them is giving me a lot more time in my day. Last Saturday I had to do a crisis cleaning to make my house presentable for a friend who was stopping by. Afterwards I swore that not only was I not going to allow it to become such a mess again, I was going to keep improving it. I allowed it to become a pig sty when I was in the depths of my depression and like a feedback loop it made things worse.

Lastly I've been on my antidepressants for nearly four months now. It is possible that they have built up in my body enough to effect some real change. Whatever has caused this improvement I hope it lasts so I can finally get some control over my life.

Going Home

I just got back from spending a week visiting friends and family. My antidepressant seemed to be working and I thought that also going south were I'd be around more sun might also help. It was enjoyable to see everyone but also sad. Kids are growing up and everyone I left behind is moving on with their lives. While I enjoyed seeing everyone and they all made an effort to spend time with me I also felt like I was very dispensable. Life went on without me so easily.

Forgetfulness

Yesterday I had a meeting with my supervisor. She was going over my work and mentioned my procrastination and how she'd like me to finish up my week on Thursday rather than waiting until Friday. She mentioned my forgetfulness and I finally had to tell her about my depression, hoping she'd understand and not consider me a liability. She seemed really understanding, so I hope that was a triumph for me.

I slept a great deal on Monday and Tuesday. I'm trying not to go back to bed after I get the kids off to school, but sometimes I'm so tired. Yesterday I got on the treadmill instead of going to bed and it seemed to help. My treadmill is acting up so I'm worried about how long it'll hold out for me.

I've upped my antidepressant prescription to three pills. I counted the pills left until I can refill the prescription and I have enough to maintain the three pills until then. I must've forgotten a lot last month. Not good. I think I'm starting to notice a difference as I've been able to address more issues yesterday and today than I have for awhile.

Earlier this week I finally cleaned the kids' bathroom. What a sty it was. I'm trying to gradually address the messes in the house because I know that once it is clean enough to allow people to enter the house without being totally embarrassed that I'll feel better. I suspect that there is a lot of mold and it is either effecting my mood or my health, or both.

Awakening

I'd started taking my antidepressants at half the dosage my doctor wanted me to take. Due to the fact that my insurance company won't cover anything having to do with mental health. I have been using Walgreen's prescription drug program, but they only give me half of the amount my doctor wants me to take. So, for about three weeks I took just one pill a day and didn't notice any difference. In fact I seemed to be sinking in deeper rather than getting any better.

About a week ago I decided that I'd had enough and I was going to take two pills and when the prescription runs out before I'm allowed to refill it...I'll figure something out then. Yesterday morning I woke up at 5 am and I immediately knew something was different. It was as if the fog was parting. I'm still very sleepy, but I'm not so foggy brained any more. Yesterday morning I tackled the four items I've had on a to do list since last week. I also found someone to start the process of cleaning up my yard (as long as the money holds out) and even started to clean the living room myself.

Today I had a meeting for work and I was alert for the entire two hours. I helped my friend pack up some boxes for her big move this weekend. Then my cough got a whole lot worse and I was exhausted. Even after that I managed to actually cook something for my children's dinner that involved ingredients and not just the instructions "turn oven to 450 degrees..."

Could there be a light house somewhere in this fog?