Self Torture

I wonder if there is a mental illness that results in a person torturing herself by reading incredibly sad stories over and over again while tears are streaming down her face? 'Cuz this is me. I happened across a blog written by a woman whose toddler daughter passed away. Then from that blog I found other blogs written by women who have also lost their children or are in the process of loosing their children. Every single blog was heart wrenching. I couldn't read any of them without crying so hard that my eyes hurt. Why am I doing this? I know that horrible things happen, that children can die before their parents (Heaven knows I've worried about this for over 16 years) and that life can really suck. So why am I dwelling on this?

I have no idea unless it is easier to cry over someone else's pain than my own. Or maybe it is to prove to myself that I'm not as bad off as they are: my children and husband are alive and well. Maybe by reading these blogs I prove to myself that I still have feelings, that I'm not as numb as I'm afraid I am.

Another thing I've become aware of is increasing paraphasia -- substituting one word for another. I'll be telling someone that an item is near the oven, when I mean stove. I'll tell someone to meet me at Shopko when I mean WinCo. I've always had a problem mixing my children's names up (I think that is normal) but I'm mixing other people's names up. I'm even having difficulty remembering names at all. My best friend has a hairdresser I've been to a couple of times but I can never remember her name. I always have to call my friend first so I can call for an appointment.

I know forgetfulness is an issue in people with depression, I'm not sure about paraphasia, but I'm betting it is also. I've no idea what to do about it. Sometimes I think I have so many thoughts running around in my head that they are messing with my speech. I need to be able to quiet down the thoughts in my head so that I can talk.